My husband’s unexpected statement during a lunch date the other day blurted out to me the other day sent me into immediate panic mode. “I don’t know if I want more kids”.
Our plan has always been to have kids. In fact he has always spoke of us having a big family. So this uncertainty? News to me to say the least. And my immediate response? Anger. No anger is a tame word for what I felt. What I felt was intense, red-hot FURY. Of course I love my husband. And if we couldn’t conceive that wouldn’t change things in the least. I would have still married him. But not wanting kids? This was new. And this was so not what I thought I was getting when I married him.
For the rest of the day I was unsettled. I was fuming. I wasn’t listening to my husband.
He kept trying to explain to me his feelings. He didn’t want to disrupt his daughter’s life more than it already had been. He was scared of the ten-year (plus) age gap that would be between his daughter and our baby. He was worried about starting over with a newborn when he has a daughter rapidly approaching her teenage years.
Bottom line he had a lot of fear. A lot of valid fears. But I wasn’t hearing it. All I was hearing was rejection.
He had a baby with his ex. But didn’t want one with me. His wife. We went through a miscarriage two and a half years ago. Did he ever want that baby? Or was it a situation he was stuck in? How could he not understand my longing to experience pregnancy and birth and raising a child from day one? How could he not see my longing to be a mom?
A couple of weeks have passed since this statement rocked my world. And in the meantime we have talked. And talked. And talked. And I’ve made it a point to listen. Bringing a baby into the world is always an adventure into the unknown. But bringing a baby into a (step)family adds a whole new dimension of uncertainty.
In order to do it we have to be on the same page. There is no other way. And while the future remains uncertain we are taking steps each day to be on the same page.
Whitney is a newly wed and new stepmom to a beautiful nine-year old girl. Being a child of divorce and a stepdaughter four times over, she never expected to one day have a stepchild of her own. She blogs about this new-found role and her perspective as a stepdaughter on: www.stepwithcare.blogspot.com. You can also follow her on twitter: @stepwithcare