In a big family, making time for intimacy requires a little bit of planning. O.K., I know planning sex sounds totally un-romantic, and my twenty-something-year-old self would have been immediately turned off by the concept! But seriously, without planning, there are far too many obstacles in a busy blended family household.
- Obstacle 1: Finding a window. When you have young children, it’s hard to find a time when the kids are safely occupied. Obviously, night is great for the reason that they’re sleeping, except, how many of us are exhausted by the time we get to bed! This makes night-time not always ideal. The trick is to look for other opportunities…Does your partner ever work at home? Are there any opportunities during the day on Saturday or Sunday? What about early in the morning? Anytime can be a time to connect with your partner.
- Obstacle 2: Kids forgetting to knock. Though most adults respect a closed door, kids ‘forget’ to knock. Young kids learn knocking by repetitious reminding but it’s far too often that one walks in:
Now, this can be tough in a “traditional” family, but in a blended family, it can feel pretty awkward.
Personally, I’m not someone who is shy about nudity. (I naturally birthed 4 children–a topic for another day). But, I do feel that once the kids start to get a little older and more observant, it’s a good thing to cover up. Get a lock and use it, it really avoids unwanted situations.
- Obstacle 3: Struggling with stress. We’re far too stressed out since we have so much going on in our busy lives. Work, kids schedules, money, ex’s, medical appointments, birthdays, etc., there are so many things to handle in a day! Find ways individually to manage stress so you can be your best self each day.
For me, prioritizing sex is like exercise…I fit it in because it feels good, has health benefits and brings me closer to my partner.
- Obstacle 4: Having sex requires that you stop bickering: it’s just not sexy. Sometimes it’s a vicious circle–the more we fight, the less we feel like having sex. Yet, the more we have sex, the less we fight!
Something I’ve learned along the way is to let some things go, I try not to argue over things that really don’t matter.
- Obstacle 5: Having sex in the same place all the time gets dull.
Try setting up a private space for yourselves in the house, other than the bed.
Getting away and staying in a hotel can be such a turn on, there’s just something about being in a different environment. So, find another spot in your own home-it definitely spices things up!
- Obstacle 6: Having sex the same way gets predictable and boring. Don’t fall into this trap–
Find out what turns your partner on and try it, experiment a little. There are a million ways to explore your sexuality together, what better way than in a safe relationship with someone you love and trust?
Growing up in a big family, my parents would sometimes have ‘quiet time’ on a Saturday afternoon. I was probably a teenager before I figured out what was really going on. But what I learned was, their relationship needed time for intimacy and that time was to be respected.
If I can teach my children this same lesson, then maybe someday, they will learn to prioritize time for intimacy in a loving relationship too.
For me, it’s the perfect balance to a busy life.
Nicole Olivier is an Occupational Therapist, Mother and Wife in a blended family who passionately enjoys blogging and writing about lessons in love and life.